Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize