I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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