im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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