you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
