I wish I could teleport
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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