I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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