I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
