If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
