I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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