I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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