No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
