4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
