were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize