Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
