wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
