apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
