this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Little spoons don't ask big questions
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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