I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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