see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
