Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
