Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
