I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
