I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Alive.
So much puke
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
