FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
