That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
