planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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