Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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