I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
