He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
