My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
