so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
