I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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