The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
