We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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