I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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