My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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