I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
