I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
