I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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