a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize