So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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