I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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