If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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