Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
