Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you will always have a special place in my vag
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
