If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
All I want is dick and wine.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize