Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
