I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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