I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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