im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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