I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
