You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
