she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
