There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
