theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
