I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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