you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
