I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
