My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
