my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
They are going to name an STD after you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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