I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
