my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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