my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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