it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
