Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
