Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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