I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
