I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
