Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
