I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
