I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize