I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
