i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
