in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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