ugly people sure do ruin things
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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