My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
